The idea here is to tell Julie's birth story, but when I think of that time in our lives the story is incomplete with just us without giving full credit to the one who deserves ALL the glory, our great Heavenly Father, who answered far above any beyond all that we could think or imagine.
2011 will always be in the history books of our family as the hardest year (so far, and Lord willing ever) of our lives. It started with some really bad constant illness mixed with stress for Jonny. He was very unsettled and sick most of the first 6 months of 2011. I was so tired of trying for baby #2. At the start of that year we had been hoping and trying for over a year and not preventing for 3 years. We had many people praying and believing in our growing family. We continued to remind ourselves of how much we really did believe in God's plan for our family, and although I really can say that I always did trust those plans, there were many tears shed each month when I would realize he had said "not yet".
Half way through 2011, at the end of June, my brother's then fiance was shockingly diagnosed with leukemia. It was a devastating time. To watch ones you love the most going from the joy of planning their wedding to terrified to possibly be facing death is something that is extremely hard to explain. They were married in the ICU room with the only allowance of parents and me to take photos in the room. Sarah fought that disease like a champion and Matthew dug deep inside himself to fight alongside her. I couldn't be more thankful for their lives and the example they set in that trial. We give praise and glory and honor to Jesus for Him speaking life over her and orchestrating everything about her care to give her a chance at life. Her healing is jumping ahead quiet a bit in the story, but I can't stand to mention the extreme pain we were all feeling without following it up with glory to God for healing. Ok, back to the order of the story...
We were down in SA the week following Sarah's diagnosis. This is when we were all still wondering where with cancer was leading. The drs seemed very concerned and it all was happening so quickly. A few days after we had been there we got a call that Poppa, Jonny's granddad, had been having some terrible chest pains and asked us to pray. Jonny was shaken. Shaken from his own illness, Sarah's diagnosis, and from this news about his hero having "chest pains".
A week passed and we went home. On tuesday morning Jonny had his regularly scheduled meeting with Poppa. The meeting was precious and they had special time together. Poppa affirmed Jonny, as he always did, but that ended up being the last time. Those next minutes included Jonny's worst fear. Poppa had a heart attack with Grammie by his side and Jonny seated in front of him. I will spare details about the following events, but it was a very hard scene for Jonny to work through emotionally. Jonny called me frantic and I raced to the house to pick up Jonny and his brother James to go to the hospital. I will never forget pulling up to Poppa and Grams house and seeing James and Jonny standing there totally white just waiting on a ride to "officially" hear the news.
The depth of that sorrow is hard to describe. It was sincerely the deepest, most torn, (b/w what my family was facing and how my Jonny and his family was facing) hardest time of my life. Sarah had only been diagnosed at that point for about 2 weeks and now we didn't have Poppa. I wondered, and Jonny did too, if we would ever see the real Jonny ever again. Something seemed to die deep inside of Jonny the day he saw his Poppa die. I knew it and he knew it but nothing could change it. God is so good and his mercies endure forever.
The month of August was crippled with our new reality of a life without Poppa and us helping alongside as Sarah and Matthew were in the thick of fighting for her life. Each day, every moment was a choice to keep moving. Most everything with Jonny's job changed with Poppa's death. They were in business together and upon his death that business also died. Those times of struggle are overwhelming and sometimes you feel like there is no way you can even breathe more than half a breath. However, those times are the sweetest, most gentle, refreshing times for me with Jesus. I do believe that his unchanging character is the most important promise that the world could ever know, and He carried us. Oh, did He carry us.
In September, after one and half plus years of trying, and in a time when much of our joy was very hard to find God changed his "not yet" to "now" and we were pregnant!!!!! Praise the Lord! Not a corny "fill in this space with a God reference" but an all out, Your timing and plan is perfect and we needed this PRAISE THE LORD!!!!
When I called Jonny to the bathroom to tell him we just stood there hugging and crying. There was JOY. REAL JOY. There was light in the dark place, there was hope, there was life that was following death. THERE WAS JOY. We needed it, we desperately clung to it.
About a week later I started to have very sharp pain and we made our first appt. to check on everything. After several tests over the weekend, our dr called to tell us that the test revealed a problem and the only possibility was we were having an ectopic pregnancy (likely) or we were having twins. He wanted me to o to the ER (it was the weekend) to rule out ectopic because it can be fatal to the mom. We were praying desperately that day, Jonnys' birthday, for twins. I remember begging as they wheeled me down the hallway that if our baby was stuck in my tubes (ectopic) that God would supernaturally move baby to my uterus. Our dr had no explanation why it wasn't ectopic, it was not twins, and the numbers leveled and we had one healthy baby and God is our explanation. He is all we need. That was the first time we saw God speak life over Julie Joy.
As our pregnancy continued we continued in our grief over losing Poppa. Jonny was going through something so deep only the Lord could pull him out. I remember being in the shower probably somewhere around 9-10 weeks along and just pouring my heart out to the Lord. Jonny had no plans to change jobs and we had no insurance but God clearly asked me right then to pray with expectation of those two things, and I did. I asked and prayed from then on that Jonny would have a new job (again, he hadn't even said he wanted a new job! ha!) and that we would have insurance before this baby was born. I knew from the outside looking in (although no one really even knew) this would seem weird and way too bold considering the emotional (un)well-being of our hearts at that time.
During thanksgiving, I start to casually start noticing the itching. I dismiss it. Surely, it absolutely wouldn't start this early. That week we were celebrating the holiday Jonny was reading Poppa's book for the first time. He had held off, knowing it would be extremely difficult and emotional to read, and it was, but it was so healing! It also was exactly what God used to peek Jonny's interest in changing jobs to Tom James Company. When he told me and asked how I felt about him changing careers or if he should even pursue it, I just smiled and said yes. The next week he started making phone calls!
Soon we go and find out our sweet joy giver is in fact a girl and we name her "Julie Joy". Her life will always remind us of the true joy God gave us in such a hard dark time. During I think the next appt I mentioned the itching, I really under told it because I really thought it must be a mental thing because there was no way it would be starting already. He said, given the history from Lylah, lets just run a blood test. Fast forword a bit and I am just down the hall doing my glucose test, no scheduled ob apt. While I am waiting my hour to retest my Dr calls my cell and says he needs to see me immediately and asks how quickly I can get there. I told him about 30 sec because I was just down the hall doing blood work. I go in and he immediately does a sono and all is looking good with Julie...I am really confused and trying not to be scared because I have Lylah with me-but because I know my Dr is not an alarmist and he was alarmed, I was a little tense. Turns out, at 19 weeks, not only was I my body determined to have cholestasis again, but also my total liver numbers were so elevated they were very worried I was going into complete liver failure.
(side note: you can look up what all cholestasis involves, but basically the risk is that is can suddenly, without warning your baby can die. It is rare, and there isn't a lot of consistent opinions on how to treat)
So, what does this mean? YOU LEAN IN. That's right, you lean in to the ONLY ONE who knows your future. It is a strange thing to have something INSIDE you and still not be able to save or protect it. It is an incredible thing to know that "something" has a creator and it was never about a need for me to do anything. She is more secure with Him than she would ever be with me.
We left that day like zombies. We left not really knowing what the treatment plan was, but our Dr was beyond gracious and volunteered to call 5 MFMs (high risk obs) and liver specific drs to consult with them about my diagnosis, so that we wouldn't have to pay out of pocket for all those appointments.
That night our Sunday school class came and prayed and prayed and prayed over us. I will always remember hearing Mihelea cry out to the Lord in romanian because she was so passionate in her prayer she couldn't think of the English words fast enough. We were all crying. It was a beautiful picture of God's family reaching out, and it was such a blessing to us. This group had prayed for us to conceive this baby, and they did not let us when we hit this rough spot. I am so thankful for their dedication of prayer for our family.
God is so good. I mean beyond good. Jonny was in his new job and was starting to really heal emotionally. I was exhausted. I wasn't sleeping and I was up walking laps around our living room during the night to try to make myself not scratch my skin off. I had carried our burden for months. I had gotten up before him everyday to pray over him that this next day would be better. This is not to "toot my horn" it is what I had to do. We were that emotionally drained. But now, I was the weak one. I needed him. Bad. God allowed a lot of healing in my heart during this time to feel Jonny serve me, as selfish as that sounds. I am strong minded and I can "hold it together" through most things, but sometimes I forget that I steal away others joy when I pretend to be strong. Although, I do have to say that not even for a second did I ever doubt God's ability to speak LIFE over Julie, I wondered would he? And by life, what kind of life might she have if she is a super premmie?
Somewhere around 25ish weeks the numbers were out of control high. My dr called me and said that our new goal was to make it to 28 weeks. My heart was broken. I knew I would always choose to have a 28 week old baby over no baby, but the thoughts of MONTHS in the NICU (again with no insurance) and nursing while driving back and forth every few hours, with taking care of Lylah, and Julie just having to fight so hard, made me fall to my knees. I remember Lylah was napping during that phone call from Dr Daum, so I had time to really be broken and alone. I remember being so overwhelmed with what to pray that the only thing I could muster was, "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. Who was, and is and is to come!" I just said it over and over and every time I said it the Lord spoke peace over my mind, body and heart. There were a million questions and for everyone of those questions there for ten more all tied with crazy hormonal emotions, but HE IS HOLY! When my mind and heart would race He would put that prayer right back in front of me. Our God is kind, loving, all knowing, all sufficient, courageous, consistent, just, and He is powerful. Although all of those are great qualities, His Holiness is the reason he is the one true God! His Holiness spoke peace to my wondering heart.
Numbers continued to climb and I started researching which children's hospital would be best for us to transfer Julie to after birth. On February 19th I would be 28 weeks. The first two weeks of February we did steroid shots to push along Julie's lung development. The morning of February 12th at 6:30 in the morning (I am 27 weeks) my mom calls and tells us my dad has had a massive heart attack during the night, and they would need to do a quadruple bypass on him in the next few days.
"Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. Who was, and is and is to come!"
Overwhelmed is a massive understatement. I was in survival mode before this call, now we were in high gear survival mode. While we quickly go ready to leave that morning I barely spoke. I was in self protection mode. God was holding my head above the water, but I knew if I glanced away from Him for a second I would sink to the depth of the ocean.
The next week consisted of me driving back and forth (1.5 hours) from my dad's bedside to my Dr appointment. Although that time with my dad was extremely hard, God gave us time and time is all we both needed! God spoke healing over my body that week, and the timing was perfect. My liver enzymes went from sky high to normal range that week. Call it shock to my body, or give the credit to the real source, I will always choose God as my healer. Can you remember this was THE week we were thinking we would have to deliver?!?! I cried most of the way to that apt. because I was so worried Dr Daum would tell me we needed to deliver and I would be in a hospital 1.5 hours away from my parents as my dad was about to have quadruple bypass heart surgery. The amazing news was like a refreshing rain over me. We had been given time. I was finally able to take a deep(er) breath. Back to the hospital we went to face the surgery for dad.
I had been warned and talked to over and over and over about how hard it would be to see my dad after his surgery. Everyone was very concerned about my ability to process seeing such a gruesome scene and not have my blood pressure too high. I felt prepared. My mind was in strong mode and I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing him. My mom and I were the first ones to go in. It was terrible. I was ok with what I was seeing, although it was extremely brutal looking. I was not prepared to see that scene on MY dad. I also had not eaten since breakfast and had taken my medications on an empty stressed out tummy. So, combine emotions, empty tummy, medication, and a gruesome scene involving your dad, and what do you get....A 27 week preggo that says, "Mom, I'm not feeling so well, I need to step out." Then passes out falling about 1/2 an inch from the machine that is down my dads throat making him breath. I woke up bawling. All I could think was what stress I had put on my mom. Can you imagine her fear?! There were about 6 nurses moving around my dad and quickly there were 3 more with me. It was all really ridiculous, and I felt very silly.
Dad had a rough go of it the first few days after surgery and to be honest we were very nervous several times. God continued to heal, never because we deserved it, but because He just can and He decided he would. I was and am so thankful.
The "normal" enzyme level really only lasted that week (but it was THE week we needed it the most) and it began to slowly (thankfully) climb week after week along with my blood pressure. The week leading up to my birthday (March 31st) I knew we were getting in the bad range again. The itching was getting out of control. The weekend of March 30th-April 1st I maybe got a total of two hours of sleep. I was scratching my skin off and felt like I needed to go into a metal hospital. I knew it was time. We had tentatively set an induction date for April 12th but I knew when I went in on April 3rd we HAD to have this baby soon. My heart was no longer settled, I knew it was time and my Dr did too when he saw me. Guess what went into effect on April 1st...our incredible insurance! That seemingly crazy prayer of a new job for Jonny and insurance before delivery happened!!! The whole Dr's office knew and they all were able to see God answering prayers. They were all so excited and some crying when I got to that appointment. We set the date for the next morning 4-4-12. We were to start the pitocin at 6:30 and work to get the natural birth I had ALWAYS dreamed of!
THE ACTUAL BIRTH STORY
I have to say a few things first...
2011 will always be in the history books of our family as the hardest year (so far, and Lord willing ever) of our lives. It started with some really bad constant illness mixed with stress for Jonny. He was very unsettled and sick most of the first 6 months of 2011. I was so tired of trying for baby #2. At the start of that year we had been hoping and trying for over a year and not preventing for 3 years. We had many people praying and believing in our growing family. We continued to remind ourselves of how much we really did believe in God's plan for our family, and although I really can say that I always did trust those plans, there were many tears shed each month when I would realize he had said "not yet".
Half way through 2011, at the end of June, my brother's then fiance was shockingly diagnosed with leukemia. It was a devastating time. To watch ones you love the most going from the joy of planning their wedding to terrified to possibly be facing death is something that is extremely hard to explain. They were married in the ICU room with the only allowance of parents and me to take photos in the room. Sarah fought that disease like a champion and Matthew dug deep inside himself to fight alongside her. I couldn't be more thankful for their lives and the example they set in that trial. We give praise and glory and honor to Jesus for Him speaking life over her and orchestrating everything about her care to give her a chance at life. Her healing is jumping ahead quiet a bit in the story, but I can't stand to mention the extreme pain we were all feeling without following it up with glory to God for healing. Ok, back to the order of the story...
We were down in SA the week following Sarah's diagnosis. This is when we were all still wondering where with cancer was leading. The drs seemed very concerned and it all was happening so quickly. A few days after we had been there we got a call that Poppa, Jonny's granddad, had been having some terrible chest pains and asked us to pray. Jonny was shaken. Shaken from his own illness, Sarah's diagnosis, and from this news about his hero having "chest pains".
A week passed and we went home. On tuesday morning Jonny had his regularly scheduled meeting with Poppa. The meeting was precious and they had special time together. Poppa affirmed Jonny, as he always did, but that ended up being the last time. Those next minutes included Jonny's worst fear. Poppa had a heart attack with Grammie by his side and Jonny seated in front of him. I will spare details about the following events, but it was a very hard scene for Jonny to work through emotionally. Jonny called me frantic and I raced to the house to pick up Jonny and his brother James to go to the hospital. I will never forget pulling up to Poppa and Grams house and seeing James and Jonny standing there totally white just waiting on a ride to "officially" hear the news.
The depth of that sorrow is hard to describe. It was sincerely the deepest, most torn, (b/w what my family was facing and how my Jonny and his family was facing) hardest time of my life. Sarah had only been diagnosed at that point for about 2 weeks and now we didn't have Poppa. I wondered, and Jonny did too, if we would ever see the real Jonny ever again. Something seemed to die deep inside of Jonny the day he saw his Poppa die. I knew it and he knew it but nothing could change it. God is so good and his mercies endure forever.
The month of August was crippled with our new reality of a life without Poppa and us helping alongside as Sarah and Matthew were in the thick of fighting for her life. Each day, every moment was a choice to keep moving. Most everything with Jonny's job changed with Poppa's death. They were in business together and upon his death that business also died. Those times of struggle are overwhelming and sometimes you feel like there is no way you can even breathe more than half a breath. However, those times are the sweetest, most gentle, refreshing times for me with Jesus. I do believe that his unchanging character is the most important promise that the world could ever know, and He carried us. Oh, did He carry us.
In September, after one and half plus years of trying, and in a time when much of our joy was very hard to find God changed his "not yet" to "now" and we were pregnant!!!!! Praise the Lord! Not a corny "fill in this space with a God reference" but an all out, Your timing and plan is perfect and we needed this PRAISE THE LORD!!!!
When I called Jonny to the bathroom to tell him we just stood there hugging and crying. There was JOY. REAL JOY. There was light in the dark place, there was hope, there was life that was following death. THERE WAS JOY. We needed it, we desperately clung to it.
About a week later I started to have very sharp pain and we made our first appt. to check on everything. After several tests over the weekend, our dr called to tell us that the test revealed a problem and the only possibility was we were having an ectopic pregnancy (likely) or we were having twins. He wanted me to o to the ER (it was the weekend) to rule out ectopic because it can be fatal to the mom. We were praying desperately that day, Jonnys' birthday, for twins. I remember begging as they wheeled me down the hallway that if our baby was stuck in my tubes (ectopic) that God would supernaturally move baby to my uterus. Our dr had no explanation why it wasn't ectopic, it was not twins, and the numbers leveled and we had one healthy baby and God is our explanation. He is all we need. That was the first time we saw God speak life over Julie Joy.
As our pregnancy continued we continued in our grief over losing Poppa. Jonny was going through something so deep only the Lord could pull him out. I remember being in the shower probably somewhere around 9-10 weeks along and just pouring my heart out to the Lord. Jonny had no plans to change jobs and we had no insurance but God clearly asked me right then to pray with expectation of those two things, and I did. I asked and prayed from then on that Jonny would have a new job (again, he hadn't even said he wanted a new job! ha!) and that we would have insurance before this baby was born. I knew from the outside looking in (although no one really even knew) this would seem weird and way too bold considering the emotional (un)well-being of our hearts at that time.
During thanksgiving, I start to casually start noticing the itching. I dismiss it. Surely, it absolutely wouldn't start this early. That week we were celebrating the holiday Jonny was reading Poppa's book for the first time. He had held off, knowing it would be extremely difficult and emotional to read, and it was, but it was so healing! It also was exactly what God used to peek Jonny's interest in changing jobs to Tom James Company. When he told me and asked how I felt about him changing careers or if he should even pursue it, I just smiled and said yes. The next week he started making phone calls!
Soon we go and find out our sweet joy giver is in fact a girl and we name her "Julie Joy". Her life will always remind us of the true joy God gave us in such a hard dark time. During I think the next appt I mentioned the itching, I really under told it because I really thought it must be a mental thing because there was no way it would be starting already. He said, given the history from Lylah, lets just run a blood test. Fast forword a bit and I am just down the hall doing my glucose test, no scheduled ob apt. While I am waiting my hour to retest my Dr calls my cell and says he needs to see me immediately and asks how quickly I can get there. I told him about 30 sec because I was just down the hall doing blood work. I go in and he immediately does a sono and all is looking good with Julie...I am really confused and trying not to be scared because I have Lylah with me-but because I know my Dr is not an alarmist and he was alarmed, I was a little tense. Turns out, at 19 weeks, not only was I my body determined to have cholestasis again, but also my total liver numbers were so elevated they were very worried I was going into complete liver failure.
(side note: you can look up what all cholestasis involves, but basically the risk is that is can suddenly, without warning your baby can die. It is rare, and there isn't a lot of consistent opinions on how to treat)
So, what does this mean? YOU LEAN IN. That's right, you lean in to the ONLY ONE who knows your future. It is a strange thing to have something INSIDE you and still not be able to save or protect it. It is an incredible thing to know that "something" has a creator and it was never about a need for me to do anything. She is more secure with Him than she would ever be with me.
We left that day like zombies. We left not really knowing what the treatment plan was, but our Dr was beyond gracious and volunteered to call 5 MFMs (high risk obs) and liver specific drs to consult with them about my diagnosis, so that we wouldn't have to pay out of pocket for all those appointments.
That night our Sunday school class came and prayed and prayed and prayed over us. I will always remember hearing Mihelea cry out to the Lord in romanian because she was so passionate in her prayer she couldn't think of the English words fast enough. We were all crying. It was a beautiful picture of God's family reaching out, and it was such a blessing to us. This group had prayed for us to conceive this baby, and they did not let us when we hit this rough spot. I am so thankful for their dedication of prayer for our family.
God is so good. I mean beyond good. Jonny was in his new job and was starting to really heal emotionally. I was exhausted. I wasn't sleeping and I was up walking laps around our living room during the night to try to make myself not scratch my skin off. I had carried our burden for months. I had gotten up before him everyday to pray over him that this next day would be better. This is not to "toot my horn" it is what I had to do. We were that emotionally drained. But now, I was the weak one. I needed him. Bad. God allowed a lot of healing in my heart during this time to feel Jonny serve me, as selfish as that sounds. I am strong minded and I can "hold it together" through most things, but sometimes I forget that I steal away others joy when I pretend to be strong. Although, I do have to say that not even for a second did I ever doubt God's ability to speak LIFE over Julie, I wondered would he? And by life, what kind of life might she have if she is a super premmie?
Somewhere around 25ish weeks the numbers were out of control high. My dr called me and said that our new goal was to make it to 28 weeks. My heart was broken. I knew I would always choose to have a 28 week old baby over no baby, but the thoughts of MONTHS in the NICU (again with no insurance) and nursing while driving back and forth every few hours, with taking care of Lylah, and Julie just having to fight so hard, made me fall to my knees. I remember Lylah was napping during that phone call from Dr Daum, so I had time to really be broken and alone. I remember being so overwhelmed with what to pray that the only thing I could muster was, "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. Who was, and is and is to come!" I just said it over and over and every time I said it the Lord spoke peace over my mind, body and heart. There were a million questions and for everyone of those questions there for ten more all tied with crazy hormonal emotions, but HE IS HOLY! When my mind and heart would race He would put that prayer right back in front of me. Our God is kind, loving, all knowing, all sufficient, courageous, consistent, just, and He is powerful. Although all of those are great qualities, His Holiness is the reason he is the one true God! His Holiness spoke peace to my wondering heart.
Numbers continued to climb and I started researching which children's hospital would be best for us to transfer Julie to after birth. On February 19th I would be 28 weeks. The first two weeks of February we did steroid shots to push along Julie's lung development. The morning of February 12th at 6:30 in the morning (I am 27 weeks) my mom calls and tells us my dad has had a massive heart attack during the night, and they would need to do a quadruple bypass on him in the next few days.
"Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. Who was, and is and is to come!"
Overwhelmed is a massive understatement. I was in survival mode before this call, now we were in high gear survival mode. While we quickly go ready to leave that morning I barely spoke. I was in self protection mode. God was holding my head above the water, but I knew if I glanced away from Him for a second I would sink to the depth of the ocean.
The next week consisted of me driving back and forth (1.5 hours) from my dad's bedside to my Dr appointment. Although that time with my dad was extremely hard, God gave us time and time is all we both needed! God spoke healing over my body that week, and the timing was perfect. My liver enzymes went from sky high to normal range that week. Call it shock to my body, or give the credit to the real source, I will always choose God as my healer. Can you remember this was THE week we were thinking we would have to deliver?!?! I cried most of the way to that apt. because I was so worried Dr Daum would tell me we needed to deliver and I would be in a hospital 1.5 hours away from my parents as my dad was about to have quadruple bypass heart surgery. The amazing news was like a refreshing rain over me. We had been given time. I was finally able to take a deep(er) breath. Back to the hospital we went to face the surgery for dad.
I had been warned and talked to over and over and over about how hard it would be to see my dad after his surgery. Everyone was very concerned about my ability to process seeing such a gruesome scene and not have my blood pressure too high. I felt prepared. My mind was in strong mode and I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing him. My mom and I were the first ones to go in. It was terrible. I was ok with what I was seeing, although it was extremely brutal looking. I was not prepared to see that scene on MY dad. I also had not eaten since breakfast and had taken my medications on an empty stressed out tummy. So, combine emotions, empty tummy, medication, and a gruesome scene involving your dad, and what do you get....A 27 week preggo that says, "Mom, I'm not feeling so well, I need to step out." Then passes out falling about 1/2 an inch from the machine that is down my dads throat making him breath. I woke up bawling. All I could think was what stress I had put on my mom. Can you imagine her fear?! There were about 6 nurses moving around my dad and quickly there were 3 more with me. It was all really ridiculous, and I felt very silly.
Dad had a rough go of it the first few days after surgery and to be honest we were very nervous several times. God continued to heal, never because we deserved it, but because He just can and He decided he would. I was and am so thankful.
The "normal" enzyme level really only lasted that week (but it was THE week we needed it the most) and it began to slowly (thankfully) climb week after week along with my blood pressure. The week leading up to my birthday (March 31st) I knew we were getting in the bad range again. The itching was getting out of control. The weekend of March 30th-April 1st I maybe got a total of two hours of sleep. I was scratching my skin off and felt like I needed to go into a metal hospital. I knew it was time. We had tentatively set an induction date for April 12th but I knew when I went in on April 3rd we HAD to have this baby soon. My heart was no longer settled, I knew it was time and my Dr did too when he saw me. Guess what went into effect on April 1st...our incredible insurance! That seemingly crazy prayer of a new job for Jonny and insurance before delivery happened!!! The whole Dr's office knew and they all were able to see God answering prayers. They were all so excited and some crying when I got to that appointment. We set the date for the next morning 4-4-12. We were to start the pitocin at 6:30 and work to get the natural birth I had ALWAYS dreamed of!
THE ACTUAL BIRTH STORY
I have to say a few things first...
- This is the way I remember it. There was a pretty incredible amount of things going on in my body during labor, so it is entirely possible that someone else might not remember it this way.
- I did not have a natural labor to prove anything to anyone. As strange as it might sound I have always wanted to do it. My mom did with both of us and it is just the way i always thought it should be. I do not think my experience or I am better than anyone else because of my natural birth. As you can see in the story, I gave into the pain.
- I needed a doula. I will always have a doula from now on for my labors (Lord willing there will be more). I can't help but point out where a doula COULD have been helpful. A doula is not a miracle worker or a psychic, so it might not have helped at certain points, but over all it would have been beneficial to have one.
We got to the hospital around 6 I think and got all checked in. They pretty quickly started the pit around 6:30. We also had not had time to get the group b strep test result back, so we also started that antibiotic as a precaution. We decided to go ahead and break my water this time because of the way Lylah's birth had played out. I likely would not make that same choice again, but that is what we decided that day. I knew from Lylah's birth that the combo of pit and bag of waters broken would immediately throw me into full on labor. This was around 7:30-8ish. I was ready to get up and move to be ready for the hard stuff.
We had decided both our moms could be with us throughout this birth and delievery, so they were in and out talking with family while I walked for awhile. Thankfully this time around I knew more about pit and the ability to control how much was forcing my body into labor. Because of that, I was slightly less thrown into labor like I was with Lylah's birth, but still much more quickly than a natural progression.
By around 9:30 I was really starting to zone in and concentrating more. Still trying to stay out of the bed as much as possible. I remember being frustrated with the continuous monitoring because it had to be adjusted so much to pick up Julie's heartbeat. Around 11 I started getting really annoyed by my contractions. I was battling why "annoyed" was my reaction and then I realized NOTHING absolutely nothing was contracting in my stomach. I had back labor, and not just back labor ALL back labor. I just couldn't get comfortable in any position even between contractions. When the nurse checked me after I told her about my pain she said Julie was posterior and we needed to get her to turn.
Now, I did like my nurse ok, she was very business and she was training a student nurse while she was working with me, so she really was pretty focused on teaching. I had told her I was fine with that and the student was very excited about my goal of natural childbirth, even with pit, because she had only attended cesarean births. I was excited for her to experience this with us...except when it took her at least 5 tries to get my IV started. Ha! The main things I did not like about my nurse was her use of what seemed like scare tactics to get her way. What I don't like even more is that I allowed them to work. (shameless plug for a doula...not to fight the nurse AT ALL, just to be encouraging in the midst of her discouragement) She told me I could deliver that way (sunny side up) but it would be extremely painful. Cool! Exactly what I wanted to hear while I am having contractions every 2 minutes or less! :)
The only position (there are actually many for this cause, again doula would have helped) she suggested to move Julie, was on all fours, with my butt up in the air. So, into that position i went. I stayed and stayed and stayed. I got so light headed from the position I finally said I needed to just sit up and lean on Jonny. During that time she had checked me 3 times and I was a 7 every time. I was starting to get frustrated. I knew I needed and wanted to walk but I kept thinking that I "had" to be on all fours to get her to move. Also, because I was so lightheaded I thought I might fall down if it started walking. (again doula needed) I was also very confused why I wasn't progressing when my contractions were much harder and super close together. The pain in my back had not changed a single bit. I was listening to worship music the entire time and I felt really calm until this point. I had been pretty quiet but I was starting to get overwhelmed. Contractions were only about 20-30 secs apart and lasting quite awhile. I kept telling Jonny, "If it would just hurt somewhere besides my back I could stand it!" "I am so light headed" This is exactly the point the NEED of a doula was obvious. I loved having Jonny, my mom and Karen in the room with us but I needed someone who was not emotionally tied to me to not look at me with sad eyes that I was in pain, but instead someone to look into my eyes and coach me through it. I didn't know what to do. My mind was not clear anymore and I knew what I wanted but was completely lost at why I wasn't progressing towards it. I felt like I was running in place at full speed (while someone punched me in the back, haha!). I needed someone to tell me I was in transition and although it is the most painful part, it is the shortest. I just kept thinking there was no way I was at transition yet, and it was just going to get worse. I was so discouraged by the lack of progression that I assumed I had continued to not progress. Now, because I am a more quiet laborer most of this battle was going on in my head, so in defense of all that was in the room they likely didn't even know how much i was fighting to stick with it. I started to doubt the ability to do this naturally with pit and the fact that I knew Julie was still in the wrong position I was ready to throw up the white flag...kinda.
I really felt like I was close. My heart knew it. My head was just in the way because I kept telling myself NO! You are only at a 7! Thats not close! But I really thought I was....and I should have listened. I caved and gave the ok to the epidural. The nurse asked me to let her check my progression and I told her no. That was MY mistake. I do wish she would have pushed it a bit more or even said, "I think its likely you have progressed, lets check" I would have very likely let her. I just HATE getting check. I do fully mean HATE! All I could imagine though was her telling me for the fourth time that I was still at a seven and I just couldn't stand to hear it. (again, doula plug!) When the anesthesiologist came in to start everything I was really conflicted still. I knew what I wanted but no one was telling me that they thought I was getting close. No one knew. (doula plug!) My nurse didn't know, she had to be in and out of the room so much there was no way she would have known. AND THATS OK, she was doing her job. I just needed someone who's job was to be watching all the signs pointing to transition...a doula. As soon as the epi was administered he asked me to lay back to finish up. I COULDN'T!
I sat straight up and looked at Jonny and said I HAVE TO PUSH! WHAT?!?! Right now! The anesthesiologist immediately said, "um, that epi wont work in time!" and I said "IT BETTER NOT" I hadn't worked that hard to have my natural birth to have medicine now. I didn't want it to work! I should have listened to my body trying to tell me it was time. He told me it would take up to an hour to set in with how progressed I was and my height. AGAIN, why didn't ANYONE tell me that?!?! ugh. And again, I should have let her check me before hand.
As soon as I said I was ready to push the nurse checked me and I was fully dilated and ready to go. problem. no doctor. She said DO NOT PUSH!
They called him, for some reason, forgot to page him and he didn't answer. It took 25 minutes for him to get here.(by the way, when i found out how long they made me wait he was mad. He told me to never wait that long every again) That might not seem long...IT WAS! I must tell you when your body is naturally pushing a baby out of it, it is absolutely near impossible for you to stop that baby from coming out. Crazy town Candace came out. I yelled, "I HAVE TO PUSH!" The nurse got about 2 inches from my face and said, "If you push this baby out, you will have massive ripping." Now, someone tell me how that is helpful. anyone? anyone? I was in panic mode. I needed this baby out of me in the most desperate way possible, but I was now terrified if I didn't wait on my Dr I would have some massive pain. (might I remind you I was having a 35 week preemie baby, this warning/scare tactic was completely unnecessary) The entire room was breathing with me to keep the baby in. At one point I said, "My lips are going numb!" Everyone laughed and said it was because I was hyperventilating. The crazy breathing and squirming it took to keep Julie in was intolerable. (I feel the need to remind people, this part of my labor was COMPLETELY AVOIDABLE!) By the time my dr ran in the room, I yelled, "I'M PUSHING NOW!" Within about 3 pushes she was out!
I immediately brought her up to my chest and just curled my body around her. I just kept saying, "BABY! OH BABY! MY BABY!!!!" I can't type it without crying. She was here, alive, and God was so faithful. I have never been more relieved and thankful in my life. I was staring into the eyes of the one I had endlessly begged for life. I had been on my knees hours to ask for her to be here. and she was.
At His voice, mine and her body obeyed and He spoke, "LIFE!" We didn't deserve it. He is so gracious.
Immense Joy.
Julie Joy Snow
"Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. Who was, and is and is to come!"
Now, I did like my nurse ok, she was very business and she was training a student nurse while she was working with me, so she really was pretty focused on teaching. I had told her I was fine with that and the student was very excited about my goal of natural childbirth, even with pit, because she had only attended cesarean births. I was excited for her to experience this with us...except when it took her at least 5 tries to get my IV started. Ha! The main things I did not like about my nurse was her use of what seemed like scare tactics to get her way. What I don't like even more is that I allowed them to work. (shameless plug for a doula...not to fight the nurse AT ALL, just to be encouraging in the midst of her discouragement) She told me I could deliver that way (sunny side up) but it would be extremely painful. Cool! Exactly what I wanted to hear while I am having contractions every 2 minutes or less! :)
The only position (there are actually many for this cause, again doula would have helped) she suggested to move Julie, was on all fours, with my butt up in the air. So, into that position i went. I stayed and stayed and stayed. I got so light headed from the position I finally said I needed to just sit up and lean on Jonny. During that time she had checked me 3 times and I was a 7 every time. I was starting to get frustrated. I knew I needed and wanted to walk but I kept thinking that I "had" to be on all fours to get her to move. Also, because I was so lightheaded I thought I might fall down if it started walking. (again doula needed) I was also very confused why I wasn't progressing when my contractions were much harder and super close together. The pain in my back had not changed a single bit. I was listening to worship music the entire time and I felt really calm until this point. I had been pretty quiet but I was starting to get overwhelmed. Contractions were only about 20-30 secs apart and lasting quite awhile. I kept telling Jonny, "If it would just hurt somewhere besides my back I could stand it!" "I am so light headed" This is exactly the point the NEED of a doula was obvious. I loved having Jonny, my mom and Karen in the room with us but I needed someone who was not emotionally tied to me to not look at me with sad eyes that I was in pain, but instead someone to look into my eyes and coach me through it. I didn't know what to do. My mind was not clear anymore and I knew what I wanted but was completely lost at why I wasn't progressing towards it. I felt like I was running in place at full speed (while someone punched me in the back, haha!). I needed someone to tell me I was in transition and although it is the most painful part, it is the shortest. I just kept thinking there was no way I was at transition yet, and it was just going to get worse. I was so discouraged by the lack of progression that I assumed I had continued to not progress. Now, because I am a more quiet laborer most of this battle was going on in my head, so in defense of all that was in the room they likely didn't even know how much i was fighting to stick with it. I started to doubt the ability to do this naturally with pit and the fact that I knew Julie was still in the wrong position I was ready to throw up the white flag...kinda.
I really felt like I was close. My heart knew it. My head was just in the way because I kept telling myself NO! You are only at a 7! Thats not close! But I really thought I was....and I should have listened. I caved and gave the ok to the epidural. The nurse asked me to let her check my progression and I told her no. That was MY mistake. I do wish she would have pushed it a bit more or even said, "I think its likely you have progressed, lets check" I would have very likely let her. I just HATE getting check. I do fully mean HATE! All I could imagine though was her telling me for the fourth time that I was still at a seven and I just couldn't stand to hear it. (again, doula plug!) When the anesthesiologist came in to start everything I was really conflicted still. I knew what I wanted but no one was telling me that they thought I was getting close. No one knew. (doula plug!) My nurse didn't know, she had to be in and out of the room so much there was no way she would have known. AND THATS OK, she was doing her job. I just needed someone who's job was to be watching all the signs pointing to transition...a doula. As soon as the epi was administered he asked me to lay back to finish up. I COULDN'T!
I sat straight up and looked at Jonny and said I HAVE TO PUSH! WHAT?!?! Right now! The anesthesiologist immediately said, "um, that epi wont work in time!" and I said "IT BETTER NOT" I hadn't worked that hard to have my natural birth to have medicine now. I didn't want it to work! I should have listened to my body trying to tell me it was time. He told me it would take up to an hour to set in with how progressed I was and my height. AGAIN, why didn't ANYONE tell me that?!?! ugh. And again, I should have let her check me before hand.
As soon as I said I was ready to push the nurse checked me and I was fully dilated and ready to go. problem. no doctor. She said DO NOT PUSH!
They called him, for some reason, forgot to page him and he didn't answer. It took 25 minutes for him to get here.(by the way, when i found out how long they made me wait he was mad. He told me to never wait that long every again) That might not seem long...IT WAS! I must tell you when your body is naturally pushing a baby out of it, it is absolutely near impossible for you to stop that baby from coming out. Crazy town Candace came out. I yelled, "I HAVE TO PUSH!" The nurse got about 2 inches from my face and said, "If you push this baby out, you will have massive ripping." Now, someone tell me how that is helpful. anyone? anyone? I was in panic mode. I needed this baby out of me in the most desperate way possible, but I was now terrified if I didn't wait on my Dr I would have some massive pain. (might I remind you I was having a 35 week preemie baby, this warning/scare tactic was completely unnecessary) The entire room was breathing with me to keep the baby in. At one point I said, "My lips are going numb!" Everyone laughed and said it was because I was hyperventilating. The crazy breathing and squirming it took to keep Julie in was intolerable. (I feel the need to remind people, this part of my labor was COMPLETELY AVOIDABLE!) By the time my dr ran in the room, I yelled, "I'M PUSHING NOW!" Within about 3 pushes she was out!
I immediately brought her up to my chest and just curled my body around her. I just kept saying, "BABY! OH BABY! MY BABY!!!!" I can't type it without crying. She was here, alive, and God was so faithful. I have never been more relieved and thankful in my life. I was staring into the eyes of the one I had endlessly begged for life. I had been on my knees hours to ask for her to be here. and she was.
At His voice, mine and her body obeyed and He spoke, "LIFE!" We didn't deserve it. He is so gracious.
Immense Joy.
Julie Joy Snow
"Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. Who was, and is and is to come!"
Comments
What a strong wife and mom you are. This was such an encouragement to me!