We
had just celebrated Collins’ first birthday a few weeks previously and I was on
the way to take the big girls to school. I had made a note mentally earlier
that morning that I might need to go get a pregnancy test to just rule out the
possibility of being pregnant. On the way to school, both of the big girls
mentioned how they were ready to have another sibling. I laughed at the thought
of already having another one and the irony of knowing that after I drop them
off I was going to make sure if another one was actually on the way. Jonny’s
birthday was in about a week and I had been asking him for a while what he
might want for his birthday. After I let the girls off at school, Jonny called
me really excited telling me that he knew what he wanted for his birthday. He
had decided he wanted a dog. This normally wouldn’t have been such a big deal
except for all I was thinking was you have no idea but I just pulled in and
parked in the parking lot at the store to go in and see if we are pregnant with
our fourth kiddo!!!! And I am thinking, you were absolutely nuts if you think
you’re going to get a dog and I’m pregnant with another baby. I delay and tell
him I need to think about it for a little bit and I’ll call him back. I get
home with the test and immediately take it.
About 8 months before all of this I was sitting with Hailey and we were chatting about the dynamics of our families. At this point she had four and I had three and our families seemed large by most people’s standards. I ask her in a really vulnerable moment if she thought she would ever really truly be done. She quickly answered “no” and I immediately followed her by saying I didn’t think I would be either. We talked about how it would feel to feel done and if we would ever get over the excitement or possibility of more. We talked about if that was wrong or right, and where those feelings come from. There wasn’t any big solution to the conversation or any ending with anything other than a heart check of knowing that God is in charge of our families and our job is just to be willing to do whatever He has for us.
Apparently, you should not have conversations like that unless you’re ready to get pregnant really quickly. Like faster than either one of us of had ever gotten pregnant before. Ha! Just a few months after that she called me and we laughed and cried (happy!) and laughed some more because she was pregnant! So, here I was taking the pregnancy test, with my one-year-old sitting right in front of me on the floor. It was such a bizarre moment because it had taken us so long to get pregnant with each of our other babies. But the test, it was immediately positive.
I just started laughing and laughing and laughing. I praised God for what He was doing, though it seemed and felt absolutely crazy.
Then, I picked up the phone and I called my Hailey and I said something along the lines of, “hey, remember when about six months ago you called me and we laughed and we cried and we laughed some more because you were pregnant? This is me making that exact same phone call.” And then we laughed and then we cried (happy!) And we laughed some more. In fact, we laughed and screamed and laughed so hard that both of our babies started screaming crying because they didn’t know why we were being so loud and flipping out. Then, the phone rang and Jonny was calling back to talk about the dog idea. I was thinking there is absolutely no chance you’re getting a dog now. No chance! But, I also had decided that I was going to wait to tell him that we were pregnant until his birthday so I had to really play off that I just didn’t want a dog for some other reason.
Once I entered in all the dates of my last cycle and all of the other details I found out that we likely conceived on or around Collins‘s first birthday, I was going to tell Jonny on his birthday that we were pregnant, and her due date was Lylah‘s birthday which also happened to be Julie‘s due date when we were pregnant with her. I decided to nickname the pregnancy the surprise birthday baby! I think there was about a four day delay in being able to tell him and it was really exciting when he found out! We came home quickly from our date and he wanted to tell all of the kids and of course the big girls were very excited!
Nausea sat in quickly and I felt terrible pretty much every second of every single day for the first 16 weeks. We had blood work done almost immediately to be sure of my progesterone levels which we ended up supplementing for and to check my liver functions and we got some really bizarrely high numbers right at the beginning that made us really worried about how this whole thing was going to go. That ended up being our only high test for my liver functions until the end of the pregnancy which we were very thankful for!
During Collins’ pregnancy the Lord had sweetly taking me through a very deep journey of fear and relying on him. I was reminded of how good He was and how strong He was through her pregnancy and I tried to focus my mind on those thoughts going into this pregnancy also. I did face some fears though they were different ones than I had faced before. This was the first time I would have kids very close in age and the thought of Collins not being my baby for very long was really hard for me. I was very worried about that transition for her and I. I didn’t know if I would end up nursing two babies or she wean before then or how it would all look. Or, the transition for the big girls and how so much attention would be focused on the younger two because they were both going to be so young and how I needed to be very tuned into every part of my brain to be able to make sure that everyone felt needed and wanted and loved. Honestly, it felt very overwhelming at times to plan for the future. One of the more surprising things that I had to fight off was fear of labor and delivery. It seemed very bizarre to me because I had had such an incredible experience especially with Collins‘ birth that it seemed strange that I felt fearful. I had been involved with and knew about several births that ended quite differently than expected, and I had to fight the fear of something happening to Myles. I could feel the enemy pulling me towards fear and reminding me that this baby was not planned just like our baby that we miscarried. All the rest had taken such intentional effort and many many prayers and something about those two being alike in that way was tricky in my mind.
On one Sunday morning during worship the Lord gave me this verse for Myles’s pregnancy
“He who calls you is faithful. Surely HE will do it”
Of course God knew exactly what I needed. I needed to quickly get out of the way. I needed to forget all of my fears and I needed to forget all of my expectations for myself. I needed to lay down my life again, even though at this point the pregnancy was going perfectly well and healthy. I needed to lay down my mind and get out of my own way because God if was going to carry this through HE was going to do it not me. HE was going to be the one that was capable enough to use me to be a mom to four. HE was going to be the one that shown brighter, not me, because surely I can’t do it on my own. I knew I couldn’t. But HE could.
HE had called me. HE is faithful. HE would do it.
We were making our way closer and closer to the due date and the girls and I were going to get away to my parents for a few days during spring break. I was right around 33ish weeks at this point. During our time up there I started itching terribly and I knew it was coming. (If you have not read our birth stories before, each pregnancy I have had severe Cholestasis of Pregnancy. More information at ICPcare.org) I was pretty bummed because we had such incredible blood work the whole way through and though I knew it was very very very likely to show up at the end I was hoping that it wouldn’t quite yet. My doctor was out of town with his kiddos for the break so another doctor went ahead and ordered blood work and we found out quickly that it was rising so we immediately got on meds. We did a quick follow-up test the next week to be able to track how quickly it was rising and that was up significantly again so we went in for additional scans and checks for baby.
Starting the next week we had an appointment with an extra sono and re-did blood work again and we chatted about the plan if this blood work was higher. We both agreed that we really wanted to try to make it to at least 36 weeks to give Myles the very best chance at not having to be in the NICU and absolutely not going past 37 to lower significantly the stillborn risk. My doctor is incredible and he is always very on top of everything for us and everyone else that he works with. He called me Thursday evening and told me that he would feel most comfortable for us to go in that next morning and do some more stat blood work (so we would have at least some results by 5:00 that day) because what had come back from Monday was even higher than all the rest. We had assumed by this point the medicine would be bringing everything down but because that was not happening this time, the hepatologist and my doctor wanted to be sure that we were safe to go through the weekend. We chatted about how surely the meds would kick in by this next test and that if not, the worst case scenario would be for me to come in and be monitored at the hospital for a while until we see the numbers drop. The numbers we were seeing were not unusual for me. We were at about the severity level we had reached at the height of concern of Julie’s pregnancy. The main difference this time is that we were not seeing the medicine do what it needed to. Instead of any decrease there was only significant increase in bile acids every day and the closer you get to your due date the more dangerous that can be.
The next day was good Friday, March 30th, so all the kiddos and I ran to the lab to get the blood work done as soon as they opened. It was quite the fiasco, but we finally figured it all out after about two hours. We needed to finish up shopping for Easter dresses and ran over to Cedar Hill to get that finished. Jonny was able to meet us for lunch and then took the big girls to play some basketball at the school. Collins and I headed home with plans to take a nap and get ready for care group that evening. Not too long after I laid down my hepatologist called to tell me the blood work was significantly worse. He recommended being monitored in hospital until we could see a decrease or until Myles was born. Right after that my OB called and said that is exactly what he wanted us to do. He told me to get there asap because the L and D nurses knew I was coming and had a space ready for me. Honestly, I was totally shocked. I REALLY thought it would be down. My body had never not responded to the meds and I was nervous to only be halfway through 34 weeks. I called Jonny and told him he needed to get home quickly and tried to explain what was going on. When Lylah and Julie came in they just ran to me and started crying really hard. I think the quick change in plans had thrown them for quite the loop and when they lost it, so did I. We cried for a few minutes together and I assured them as much as I could that we were doing this to keep us safe, not because we need to be scared…I was kind of telling myself as I was telling them…maybe I would believe it too if I said it out loud.We gathered our bags as quickly as possible and got bags together for all the kids to go to Jonny’s parent’s house. I am so thankful we have family so close because in a matter of 30 minutes we had James and Karen there to help with the kids. We all gathered together in the living room and prayed over our doctor's decisions, my body and baby Myles. I remember putting the kiddos in James’ truck and trying so hard not to lose it. I just didn’t feel ready yet. Collins still felt like my tiny baby and it was hard to wrap my head around leaving her. To be clear, we were THRILLED to be having Myles and knew all was absolutely ordained by our good good God, it just was a big change and we knew it would be a big shift to her little life and we knew that being away from us for days or weeks would be a hard start to having a new baby coming home.
We headed quickly into Dallas traffic at rush hour on a Friday but still were able to make it just before shift change. They immediately did a slew of labs, went ahead and did the first of two steroid shots to help Myles develop more quickly, and we were on all the monitors for about 20 hours without any breaks. Thankfully Myles was doing perfect and we could at least breathe a sigh of relief that he was monitoring well. A few hours after we arrived we had several awesome friends and even a 3-week old baby come up and bring gifts and cake. They had planned to have a surprise baby shower for me at care group that evening, so they brought a small version of the shower to me right there in L and D. We had so much fun laughing and shutting the hospital down that night. I think they left around 11 or maybe even midnight.
The next morning, March 31st and my 34th birthday, the MFM came by to do a detailed sono and look closely at the placenta to make sure we weren’t having premature aging. Everything looked perfect and we chatted about what he thought would be best. We were thankful all was looking as best as possible and that all the doctors were on the same page. We continued to do blood work morning and night, every time it went up more. We decided we needed to keep monitoring Myles closely because the numbers just were not in our favor, but because labor didn’t seem to be imminent we moved upstairs to Antepartum. The monitors continued and we did the second steroid shot 24 hours after the first one. We had several visitors and our sweet friend went and bought me new pajamas for the hospital, a coming home premmie outfit for Myles, and underwear because when I packed my bag for the hospital my head and heart were racing so quickly that I basically packed nothing that I needed.
Easter Sunday, April 1st, we decided Jonny should go home early in the morning and go to church and lunch with the girls. We knew they needed some time with Jonny because they were very nervous about what was going on. My mom had come down to our house, so they were at least able to be back home and feel a little more settled that way. They were able to do an egg hunt, church and lunch with Jonny’s parents all together. I was so thankful they could be, but it was so bizzare to be away and just sitting in a bed by myself. God just kept on urging me to trust Him with all the details. Dr G called at some point that morning and said he was on the way. He wanted to pick me up some Starbucks and wanted to know my order. When he came by the day before he had a fresh drink and felt so bad that he hadn’t offered to bring me one, especially on my birthday…so he was calling to get a guilt drink. Ha! He’s the best. We chatted about what was going on and how, yet again, the blood work was continuing to climb even as we upped my meds. He said he still hoped to make it at least another week, but we could only take it one day at a time, but no matter what we would not be leaving until we had Myles. Jonny came back and some of our best friends came and brought us Chuys and another awesome friend brought us some Emporium Pie. We had so much extra food in that room and felt so loved. That evening we reached the 48 hour point for the steroid window. This means the most ideal time to have a baby early is at least 48 hours after the first of two doses of steroids, this was an encouraging place to be to have been able to wait until after this window.
At some point during this day Jonny and I had a hard conversation. He expressed his concern over this repeated beating to my body/liver and how this time we have not been able to keep it somewhat in control with the meds. He had said he really thinks this needs to be it for us, no more kiddos. I remember it feeling a little stinging when he said it, but at the same time I knew it was true. It was the first time this had been said to me that it didn’t make me really angry. Many people have expressed this concern and each time it just rubbed me so wrong. This time though, I knew he was right even if it made me sad. It feels strange to admit that. We have a house full of kiddos, our blessings are abundant, I promise you that is not lost on me. I think I just never liked that it didn’t feel like my choice to stop but just that I needed to because my body couldn’t handle it. This time was different though, and although that made me sad, I also knew that I had to get my heart in that space.
The next morning, Monday, April 2nd, Dr G came in without a smile and I knew labs just weren’t any better. He was getting uncomfortable with where we were. It is such a delicate balance to make your baby come early but also make sure you aren’t playing with fire. He recommended that we not play with fire anymore and Jonny and I were both totally okay with the plan. Each day we had grown more and more uncomfortable with were the labs were going and seemingly nothing making them better. He told me I could eat and take a shower then we would head downstairs and start the induction.
He left and I just burst into tears. I knew it was time, I really felt like it was the right decision, I just so didn’t want it to be this way and didn’t expect it to be that morning. I wanted Myles to be safe and I just didn’t want him to have to go to the NICU. I told Jonny I felt very unprepared and very raw emotionally to be able to handle a natural, med free delivery, BUT my mind was set. I knew it would give Myles every advantage possible and I told Jonny that if I started to waiver to remind me why I was doing what I was doing. For me, this time, I knew my strength felt stripped walking into this labor, so God was going to have to do it. I felt very weak at the thought of facing a natural labor, but I knew this would be an evidence to my heart of what it looks like to be at the end of me and God carrying me through. I jumped in the shower and cried and prayed, I couldn’t believe this was likely the last time I would ever do this. I was trying to soak it all in and at the same time my heart and mind were on overdrive.We got downstairs and promptly started Pitocin and within a few hours we decided to go ahead and break my water. Contractions got going pretty quickly and we had family filing in and out while I was doing the early contractions. Abby, my amazing doula and friend, came to support us again and her presence is worth more than gold to me in labor. Hailey, my sweet friend and photographer/videographer, was there again with us and I had just the night before communicated with her that I was in tears at the thought of her not being at this birth and I asked her to come back and be with us. I just hadn’t asked her about being there again because I didn’t want her to feel obligated. I actually told her I just needed to know she was there. She could leave her camera at home, I just needed HER, and I really meant it, but she is amazing and did bring her camera and she blessed us the some of the greatest treasures capturing our memories in the most beautiful way. My mom was also able to be in there with us for most of the labor and it was very neat to share that space with her. We were kinda all on high alert after how quickly Collins’ labor had been and Dr G was adamant that he would NOT be missing this delivery. Ha!
We were a few hours in and past the point of having anyone “extra” in the room. We were moving into much more active labor and there wasn’t any extra talk or jokes…it was business time. Jonny and Abby were taking turns helping me with my back labor. They did such an incredible job being the best team for me.
This next part of my labor I have felt so tender about…even just typing that just now made my eyes swell with tears. Its one of those things that is such a sweet tender moment between me and the Lord that it feels very vulnerable to share, yet in the same breath I want to shout it from the mountain tops because the Lord’s kindness to me was so evident, I want to remind people of the character or the God we serve. Don’t we all need that? In the very midst of trial, pain, and living out a very unplanned part of our lives, we can count on the very character of God and remind ourselves of His worthiness of our praise despite our current circumstances.
Tears started rolling down my checks and I suddenly felt very vulnerable. I quickly wiped them away and God brought my focus back to Him. I whispered to Jonny and Abby that I was going to start crying. They kinda giggled and told me it was totally fine. I told them that I just wanted to tell them so they knew I wasn’t crying out of an overwhelm of pain, instead God was doing some incredible things in my heart and I just couldn’t stop the tears. I kept thinking about how I couldn’t believe this could very likely be the last time I do this and suddenly God brought to my mind an image. It was a sign that we had hanging outside of Lylah’s room when she was our only little one. It read, “These are the children God has given me. God has been good to me.” I remember being thrilled to have it and hang it up, but as the years pressed on trying and trying for our next baby it seemed to torment me and mock me. I remember seeing it and feeling silly that we even had it up. We didn’t have childREN, we had a child. Then God took me to the pregnancy tests, after pregnancy tests, after pregnancy tests all being negative. He took me to the scene running to the toilet, so much blood, crying my eyes out, knowing we had just lost our baby in miscarriage. He showed me scene after scene of me literally on my knees begging for life for each of my babies. He showed me receiving phone call after phone call of bad lab results. Then, he showed me each positive test, each time sharing the news with our families, each nursery, and finally each birth.
The sign, it was true.
These are the children God has given us. And yes, He has in fact be incredibly
UNDESERVEDLY good to us.
Somehow, in the middle of labor, God had taken this heart of mine and He had made it turn from being sad about Myles likely being our last, to just reflecting on how abundantly blessed we are. How His faithfulness and love had been relentless and reckless in His pursuit of us.
Contractions are demanding my every attention now and my heart is raw and vulnerable. He commands my attention once again because I am starting to feel the overwhelm of labor. He shows me a view of Him walking in front of me beside the ocean. He is about 3 strides ahead and He is reaching back for me and with every contraction
He whispers, “I’m taking you to Myles. Trust me.”
At some point in labor Dr G checked me and mentioned how locked down everything felt. I told me that he absolutely believed that I could physically do it, but that my body might need something to relax a bit because we were making labor happen so early. I was then more determined than ever, but I also knew I couldn’t make the insides of me be more ready for labor, God would have to do that. He whispers, “I’m taking you to Myles. Trust me.” I decided to go to the bathroom by myself and just sit and pray. I stayed in there for what seemed like a long time, but probably was more like 20 mins. I did just sat there and prayed and ask God to relax my insides so that we could continue on with labor and progress well. When I came out I was having contractions that felt much more like transition type contractions rather than active labor. We decided after a bit to do the pretzel position (which is basically a peanut ball between your legs laying on your side) to help Myles move into a little more of an ideal position. To be truthful, this is an absolutely miserable position to be in, especially at this point in labor. But, I know how helpful it is, so I made myself do it even just for a few contractions on each side. He whispers, “I’m taking you to Myles. Trust me.”
Not too long after a few more position changes I started feeling the urge to push. PRAISE JESUS! I couldn’t wait to push, I LOVE PUSHING!!!!!! I have never had to push longer than about 10 mins at most so I know Myles will be here soon. Dr G has pretty much stayed in the room with us since I was at a 5 just to be sure he was there and he was ready to catch this baby! He told me I could do it in any position I wanted so right then, I was standing on the side of the bed, much like Collins’ birth. When I started to push things just started feeling very different. Its hard to describe what I was feeling. The best way I can say it is that with all three of the girls I felt as though my body did 90% of the pushing work and my effort just topped off the last 10% to get them out. However, this time felt like completely the opposite. I felt as though I was having to will him out of my body. He was stuck. I was worried about this. I had been going to Dr Tayrn (Peace of Life Chiro) for months for the most ideal positioning, but now I spent the last three days sitting in a hospital bed. I tried position after position and Dr G was incredibly patient and willing to get in whatever position he could to deliver the baby.
I
remember just saying over and over, “I just want him out!” It just felt like I could not get him to move
on down in any way. He whispers, “I’m taking you to Myles. Trust me.” At some point I opened my eyes and
realized how many people were in there.
I had to fight feeling dumb and like I was taking up their time. There was my team, my dr, 3 nurses, and the
NICU group so they could check out Myles quickly. We had called in everyone fast because of how
quickly everything had gone all the other times, and now everyone is just
waiting. The pushing part is a little
foggy for me because I feel like I was getting so desperate to get him
out. It made me nervous for him to be
RIGHT THERE but not out for so long.
Finally, I got just in the regular hospital position on my back, just to
try, and honestly I just decided I could not do one more set of pushes.
This HAD to be it. I pushed harder and let out noises I didn’t
even know were possible…and I think I freaked Jonny out a little…I freaked myself
out a little. It was more power than I knew
what to do with, honestly.
But, then he was here.
We immediately put him on my chest and covered him with blankets and hats. They put on this terrible yellow thick hat to keep him extra warm, which was great except its so ugly in all the pictures! HA! They did all the assessments with him on me and he checked out so well and I was just so thankful and shocked at how well he was doing. As we tried to look at him without moving him from my chest we started noticing the bruising. He was black from the top middle of his head all the way down to the tip of his nose. His eyes were completely swollen and bloodshot. He really had been stuck.
After a few minutes I began telling the room why I had been crying about in labor, which is what is shown towards the end of the video. The room was crying and we were all just in awe of God’s kindness to us. He had taken my raw heart and made it whole by reminding me of His character.
We have had 5 pregnancies, and 4 beautiful living children. He has been so good to us.
He did. He really, really did.
Credits:
Hubby, you are my rock. I know you hate watching me labor, but thank you for being my best cheerleader.
Dr G, there is a reason practically every nurse goes on and on about you being their favorite. You are the best. Thank you for doing all the extra.
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